The Bastard's Dirty Little Secrets
by moronicyaoiperv
Summary: You want to know what Sasuke just did? I don't care, I'm still telling you. He shaved my nipples! That is so not a good prank, teme! They are red and they hurt, so you know what I'm going to do now? I'm telling everyone your dirty little secrets, oh Yeah.


Sasuke is such a bastard. A weird bastard. You want to know why? I think I'm just going to tell you why because I'm angry and want the bastard to suffer. So here you have it Teme, I hope you enjoy reading all your dirty little secrets on the net. MUA-HA-HA.

1.-Sasuke gets turned on when I eat corn. It doesn't matter in what presentation, hell it may be popcorn. That crazy bastard just has a fetish for corn.

2.- Sasuke likes to kick cats. He brings stray cats home, and when they are cozy and comfy enough WUASH! Here comes the kick. We have to keep repairing those damn windows.

3.- Sasuke thinks he's black. Sometimes he just starts talking all ghetto style and I can't shut him the hell up. I'm tired of listening to him yell at me "Oh, you ain't getting away from me. Nuh-uh. Bring the damn tomatoes, bitch!"

4.- He likes to burn his hair. He keeps growing his hair for months until he looks like a chick, then he cuts it AND cuts his leg hair. And his pubic hair. And the armpit hair. When there is a bunch of hair on the floor he just strikes a match and there you have him entertained for two whole hours. For him it's like watching football.

5.- He hates chewing gum. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DUDE?

6.- Sasuke spends all his and my money on LifeSavers. I try to keep an eye on him but suddenly he's sneaking in with five Walmart grocery bags full of LifeSavers. The big bags.

7.- Sasuke teaches every dog he finds to pee on my shoes. And he asks why I smell so odd!

8.- He needs to smell everything. Seriously, everything! When I arrive home he just starts sniffing me and he knows just by that where I was. When we meet someone he discretely sniffs them. And clothes. And food. And wood. And forks. And doorknobs.

9.- He's a jealous bastard. If we are on the street and someone says Hi to me, he'll just Chidori them. On the ass. And if it's a girl he'll cut her hair and burn it. And here comes the angry sex.

10.- Sasuke's always trying to get in my pants. ALWAYS. On the house, at the supermarket, on the street, at Jiraiya's, at the park, at Peter Piper, on the Hokage tower, on a tree, everywhere is fine for him.

11.- But when I'M on the mood he always has a headache.

12.- He can't be romantic if his life depended on it. He only admitted that he liked me when he was screwing the living daylights out of me against a wall. For him being romantic is washing the dishes.

13.- He always buys me the same thing for my birthday or for Christmas. Gardening tools. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A FRIKIN' GARDEN!

14.- He is addicted to Coca-Cola. We have to buy at least seven family packs of Coca Cola at Costco. For the week.

15.- I think he is vigorexic. He's always trying to work out with every fucking activity he does. When he does the laundry he contracts and retracts his butt. I think he is trying to get the seven-feet long telephone pole out of his ass. Really.

16.- He always has a mean or dirty comeback! For example, when I tell him "Seriously, you must have a vagina to like that." He responds: "Yeah, well, eat me." Eww.

17.- He loves Friends. He has every fucking season and wall posters and knows every character as if they were his friends or some creepy shit like that. Can he be any gayer? Wait… yeah.

18.- Sasuke just has to tell the world that I'm gay. He always does the same when we go to a foreign village: Once we are at the main city or street he just puffs out his chest, brings his head high so he can look at everyone from above, grabs me by the waist and shouts with his manly voice: "This pathetic and insignificant Dobe you see here, yes the one with the ridiculous yellow hair and feminine looks right here, is a fag. He likes cock, in other words, and if you dare touch him you'll have to respond to me, Sasuke, his lover, or his possessor. Whatever."

19.- He always makes fun of me because I like Lady Gaga. I don't tell him anything about his love for Friends or marshmallows or Sakura Card Captor or even Disney films, but he has to make fun of me because of that little detail!

20.- He hates ramen. That is just wrong.

21.- He likes to play tennis naked. On a public court. Naked. Oh yeah, no one can see me or just tell me Hi, Naruto, but he can show his firm and muscular ass to the world. Fucking exivicionist.

22.- Sasuke wears bunny ears during sex. Oh yeah. And the little tail. Hell yeah.

23.- He has a "secret" diary. Its hardly secret, when he writes on it he just reads out loud as if he was on a teen movie.

24.- Sasuke must be emo. And shut up teme, seriously have you looked at yourself, why the bandages?

25.- WHY MUST HE WEAR THAT STUPID PURPLE SKIRT THAT OROCHIMARU GAVE HIM? The lilac belt is just too much. And of course his shirt must be open. Gay Queen.

26.- He wakes up at seven a.m. For what? I don't know, I just know It's creepy waking up to him looking directly at me. With the Sharingan.

27.- He paints our home. Every. Month. When he is bored of the green, he goes and paints the wall red. And the other wall has to match so he paints it gray. And the other one has to be blue. And the pink one no longer looks okay, so he buys purple. And of course when he paints he wars denim super-short shorts. And a tank top.

28.- He loves Mexican movies. You don't even know Spanish, why would you watch Pedro Infante movies all weekend if you don't get a crap, Teme?

29.- He masturbates thinking of Eminem. I just know it.

30.- Why must you wear a Tiara when you mow the lawn?

31.- And for God's sake I'm fat, not pregnant!

32.- …Shit! Was that a kick?

33.- But, teme, I already told you I didn't eat a baby!

34.- Sasuke acts all smart and superior when he teaches me sexuality 101. I wasn't listening when Tsunade told me Kyuubi was a chick, sorry for that, doctor!

35.- Sasuke did the Piyo Piyo SasuNaru Doujinshi. He made me pose for it!

36.- He's always telling Sakura boob-less bitch! On her face!

37.- He doesn't know how to smile, so when he wants to appear human he smirks. I think it has something to do with his childhood. Maybe when he saw Itachi and Deidara having sex. Doggy style. Or the death of his parents, whatever.

38.- He's always pulling my thong! THAT HURTS, YOU BASTARD, THEY ARE TIGHT! I only wear them because of you and look how you treat me!

39.- Oh yeah, speaking of that, he has to yell so that everyone can hear:"Hn. You are always tight."

40.- NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO NAME OUR BABY JOLLY RANCHER! No, Ennis del Mar it's too gay, bad name! Why would you want to name the baby Madara, I thought you hated him! …No, I don't know the name from that girl on Avatar, never mind, it wasn't a good name either… NO! BAD NAME, BAD NAME! Just quit already, your names suck! …WHAT? Ramen is a fucking cute name, what are you talking about? Oh, come on! Please! Gaga is a good name, she might be creative! You know what, let's leave it to The Big Bang Theory, if it's a girl we'll name her Penny, if it's a boy, Sheldon. No, Leonard its too nerdy. No, we are not from India, he's not going to be named Raj. Wolowitz its too long. NO! Charlie Sheen isn't a good name either! Friends' names suck! Why do our names come from Warner Bros? What about Fox? …No, Homer is a bad name. Hey, how about Sakura? ….. OUCH! YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD STOP HITTING ME! I'M PREGNANT, IM GOING TO ACCUSE YOU TO HUMAN RIGHTS! OUCH, IT WAS A JOKE, STOP IT!


End file.
